Updated: Sep 11
Question: We are engaged and want to be sexually intimate. Do we have to wait until our wedding night? Are there prohibitions on any particular sexual act even after marriage?
Answer: We are frequently asked the question and we believe this is because believers sincerely desire to not sin against God in their sexual life. It is very normal for a Christian couple to seek to know what the healthy limits of sexuality in their context are and our God has given us the Holy Spirit and a brain to allow us to process, in a balanced manner, the delicate subject of sexuality
No, there is no specific sexual act that is prohibited in the Scriptures. The only rules that can be drawn from the biblical context concerning what is acceptable or not in a Christian marriages are:
Sexual intimacy is to be enjoyed between two people (this includes not only physical acts but also thought life), of the opposite sex, who are married to one another.
Sexual intimacy, according to Biblical standards, requires that both spouses be willing and agree to try this or that technique.
A green light in the heart of both the husband and wife is essential for respect to be established and maintained between the two. There must be no sexual coercion between spouses. Mutual consent is the rule.
If one of them feels a red light in his or her heart, an honest and determined "no", the techniques or ideas that were being discussed are not for this couple and should not be practiced. It’s that simple.
If there is a yellow light in the heart of one of the two spouses, the conversation should be welcomed without putting pressure on the other. Where does the reluctance come from? Is it due to past wounds, lack of forgiveness, or something else? Is it possible to reconcile the opinion of both spouses? For the one desiring to try the new technique, from where does the motivation come? A dialogue covered by prayer is the key to changing this yellow light to a red light or a green light.
Sexual intimacy’s aim is to give pleasure to the other (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). This creates a virtuous cycle when both spouses focus on the pleasure and happiness of the other, both are blessed.
It is therefore inconceivable to desire to hurt the other psychologically or physically in order to obtain an egocentric pleasure in the context of their sexual relationship. Let us never forget that the sexual act between two spouses is a representation of the mystery of the love relationship of Christ and His church. Jesus blesses, heals, and raises her up.
In conclusion, if the sexual relationship is between two spouses, with mutual consent and the goal of blessing the other, the sky’s the limit. This does not mean that anything and everything is allowed, but that it is the couple who, with the help of the Holy Spirit, draws the line on the boundaries surrounding their sexual relationship which glorifies God.
Eric and Rachel's team
>> This key is a sneak peek into the e-book “9 Keys to Sexual Freedom in Marriage” from our series “60 Keys to Better Your Relationship”. We created this book to be an interactive journey with you and your spouse. Each key is full of practical advice for you to find freedom from all that inhibits you from freely enjoying your sexual intimacy in marriage. It unravels sexual prohibitions developed in the church and what the Bible actually says about this topic that has too often been considered a "taboo" in Christian circles. Click the link below to buy the e-book and get access to all 9 Keys!